July 7

Proverbs 18:19
"An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel."

Some of the ugliest arguments I have ever heard were uttered between siblings.
Here is one that happened between my sister Debbie and myself. We still argue about it and it has been 33 years since it happened.
I was 16 and we were getting ready to go to church. We had a full house at the time, my mother's mother and my father's father were both living with us. Most of the time, my cousins Dexter and Brian were there and Dexter definitely was that weekend. I also think Alfred had a friend who was sort of living with us as well. Lots of people, with lots of energy.
When I got dressed, I couldn't find a pair of panty hose that did not have runs in them. Debbie and I were sharing my room at the time so I opened the drawers of my dresser (although it had HER things in it) and took a new pair out, put them on and walked down the hall to the bathroom. Debbie, apparently, at that particular time, went to put on panty hose and found none there. Down the hall she came like a banshee waving her hairbrush. "You ripped those pantyhose off of me." And whap! She broke he hairbrush over my head.
Okay, I did steal them. But the hairbrush was not called for. I wouldn't have given them back in any regard.
Sisters.

When my mother's father died, I was 8. I witnessed the most heinous arguments of all time over his things. My grandmother was still alive and still living in the house. But my mother's brothers and sisters started carrying furniture, pictures, quilts and STUFF out of the house, all the while shouting at each other 'Daddy wanted me to have this. He said so!'
And when my grandmother finally died 20 years later, all h*ll broke loose over her miserable little 100,000 estate. She died in 1998 and this Christmas is the first time two of the brothers have spoken since. I am proud to say that I had a small hand in their speaking. I wouldn't call it a reconcilation but one of them is dying and he really just wants to make peace. They shook hands at my mother's Christmas party and it was a pretty moving experience for me and everyone who witnessed it.
When families are involved, it really doesn't matter about right and wrong. What matters is who holds the power and who can push the buttons of the others best.
Ugliness.

So, how do you avoid this in your own family?
The Bible is full of cautionary tales about treating one child differently than the others. Isaac and Jacob RUINED their children's lives by favoritism.
But that isn't the only way to start feuds. Secrets, lies and deceipt. Helping one child but not the other. Allowing children to behave badly and not disciplining them for bad behavior. Think about David and his vast brood. He made the mess and left Solomon to clean it up.

My own children are two totally separate individuals. What worked with Matthew backfired with Cole. Challenges that made Cole more empathetic bring out ringing tones of judgment in Matthew. They have different interests and talents. It would be easy to favor one over the other but I try, oh I try not to do that. How successful I am at this job of mothering will require decades to show. And I am not sure that one giant misstep won't undo all the work we have done to date.
My boys are very close buddies and I have worked hard to make it that way. I pray that it will always be so.

Debbie and I may argue but I am confident that she has my back. I know I can depend on her. I try not to take advantage of that and I really have worked to smooth out the edges that drive her crazy. Maybe that is the best you can hope for. I certainly do not want to be like the brothers in the proverb.

To God be the glory.