June 26

Proverbs 17:27-28
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue."
For his birthday, Matthew, Cole and I got Don a subscription to the Sunday New York Times. For a bit of background, Don is a very liberal Democrat. He loves to write letters to the editors of the Atlanta Journal, the Sandy Springs Neighbor, and other papers. I have to say, there are people who read those papers who send nasty letters to our home regarding his letters. There is one who has sent him dozens, all unsigned and all full of ugliness. I know what they look like and toss them out before they make it into our home.
The boys and I decided that Don needed to fish a bigger pond and so we hunted for the most liberal paper we could find that delivers to Sandy Springs. The New York Times it is.
We got the first delivery on Sunday.
Pawing through the massive, blue wrapped bundle, I came across the New York Times Magazine and flipped it open to the Ethicist. Here is the lead-in question:
"My mother has been having memory issues for a number of years. Her neurologist has been telling her it is 'mild dementia'. Her cognitive impairment and memory loss have worsened, and I recently met the neurologist without her. He told me she has Alzheimer's. He felt we should not yet tell my mother, as that diagnosis has been her greatest fear and it would be too devastating. He felt we could not tell my father unless we told my mother. I am uncomfortable keeping this terrible secret. Is it better to tell a loved one of the prognosis they fear, or is it more ethical to let them live in hopes that they have escaped it?"
NY Times Magazine June 24, 2012 p. 13

Well now, how would you respond?

Check out this YouTube video while you think about it.



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From time beyond my memory, we visited my mother's family in Blairsville every fall. One of Mother's cousins, Maudelle, had had a very high fever as a child and as a result was mentally retarded. She was very obese, dirty, and scared the hell out of me.
I think that is the reason I fear Alzheimer's so much. I perceive dementia to be just like Maudelle was/is. Mindless, scary.
I have visited many people who 'have lost their minds'. None acted like Maudelle. My favorite of all time, Virginia, thought I was her daughter and called me by her name incessantly. I didn't mind. Virginia's daughter, even though she is 20 years older than me, is model gorgeous and a loving wife, mother, and grandmother. I should be so lucky as to be like her. Yes, I heard the same stories from Virginia over and over again and yes, she was incontinent but for the most part, she was kind, generous, and I never left her home except for the last couple of visits when she never woke up without a big, lovingly placed kiss and a hug.
I have visited several patients who were not so sweet as Virginia. The yellers, the constant "someone has stolen my car/teeth/rings/wallet", the ones that throw things. Maybe because I am no longer six and these people are 80+ and usually in a bed or wheelchair that this does not frighten me. Makes me sad. Sometimes makes me mad. But not frightened.

So back to the Ethicist. How would you answer? Here is a clip of his answer:
"What the doctor is doing is wrong. There are certain situations in which withholding specific knowledge is to the greater benefit of all involved. This, however, is not one of those situations. This disease is going to dictate your mother's relationship with reality. The window in which she can authentically communicate with those she loves is rapidly closing."

So many of our proverbs have dealt with the mouth. Foolish men who speak when they shouldn't, wise men who are discerning in their disclosures. But what I have yet to find is when to speak up about certain troubles and when just to let it ride. I WANT the Bible to be specific about my troubles. I WANT it spelled out, and make no mistake about it, in detail.
Haven't found it yet.
Since I definitely cannot be considered wise, I think I will follow the precepts of our proverb for today and keep my mouth shut. Sorry, Ethicist.